Off the Line

Before this year, weddings always seemed to me like a pretty black and white subject. You are either A.) Married, or B.) Not married.

After going to four weddings this year, you can start to pick out the nuances of nuptials. After a caffeine-induced day dream, I thought it might be funny to write reviews of the weddings I attended and send them to the parties involved. I think they’d appreciate blunt honesty after all the chicken-soup toasts, and half hearted congratulations from disappointed relatives.

For instance:

Pencil in (a) for yes, (b) for no.

1.)    Bride marrying above social class?

Or multiple choice:

How long do you think it will last?

A.)  <1 year

B.)   2-5 years

C.)  5-10 years

D.)  <10 years

(You really get a feel for who will last and who won’t by how the couple met. One wedding I went to, the brides first fiancé died from a drug overdose from drugs supplied by the groom. That’s the stuff dreams are made of.)

Maybe a write-in would be better, like

“thanks for telling me the wedding cake had nuts in it. I only needed like, four epi-pens.”

I guess feedback like that wouldn’t be appreciated, since there really wasn’t anything anyone could do after the fact.

An interesting note: The bride and groom at the most recent wedding I attended had their distant uncle perform the ceremonies. They actually had to get officially married two days earlier since he was not qualified by the state to perform such ceremonies. During the wedding he said “Please! Please, no flash photography! This is a religious ceremony, not a birthday party!”

This wedding was particularly enjoyable since it was open bar, and the DJ was pretty good. The people were good too. One of the bridesmaids told me she would bite me, slapped me on the ass, and said to my girlfriend “I want your man”. It seemed pretty normal after 37 Evan William’s and Colas, but now it sounds a little cheap.